A Poem That I Had to Get Out

DAMN I HOPE I'M READY

Am I ready for this, This answer I may never know.

She smiles gently as I wonder "Does my worry show?"

I've always wanted to be a father, pretty much all my life....

Picture perfect kids and the picture perfect wife......

But when is life ever perfect, or even remotely close?

Most times, it is tugging at your happiness with its daily potent dose.

That's not to say my life is sad, but that's just the way it is....

When you've just spread you father's ashes, it's hard to think of kids

God I wonder why you're gone, or Was I in you final thought?

Did you know how much I loved you and all things you taught?

Do you know how much I miss you each and every day.

That you're the only reason I speak to God, hoping you can hear me
when I pray

I hope you know I never meant to break your heart, or make you feel unloved..

I only tried to help you see the light, and give you that gentle shove....

If I would have known those days, the things I feel right now....

I want to say I would have handled it differently, although I'm not sure how...

My brother is growing up so fast and quick, it's such a sight to see

Although he often smiles alot, but I know deep down he hurts just like me

I'm just as angry as I am sad about your death, I want you to understand...

That not hearing from you for quite some time was never part of the plan...

You were my father, my only friend on whom I could depend....

No speaking to you for months, only a shocking phone call to tell me that is the end....

It's not fair to me, Brandy or Nyles that you just left us here that way....

Though I will move on and live my life, I will never forget that lonely day...

So am I ready to be a father and raise my own little man....

To grow and look up to me as only your children can...

To teach him all the things you taught me, mostly right from wrong....

And tell him all about his late grandpa, while a rock him all night long...

Tell him how you ruined your life and wasted it just for us to see.....

That living that way is self destructive, and not the way to be...

I promise you dad I will love him just as much as you loved us...

I'll teach him how to speak eloquently and tell him to never cuss..

I will show him no amount of wealth or smart can ever make a man....

That hard work and sacrifice is the only fail proof plan

I'll read him stories at night, and make sure he talks to God

And when he finally gets old enough I'll help him build his first Hot-Rod..

And although you won't be here to see it, I know you'll be close-by...

I will sometimes look up and wave, and wipe a tear from beneath my eye....

So, I'm ready dad, to raise this child and be a man like you.....

I promise to do all the things I never saw you do....

I promise not to drink all night or shoot any dope into my arm....

I promise not to let him cry at night wondering where I am, or if I am in any harm....

I promise not to let months go by and he never get a call

I promise to be nothing like you, not a little, not a bit, not at all

I thank you dad for teaching me how a father should never be...

I still love you more than life itself and now I finally see...

That all those nights when you went out and left us all alone....to go get high....

Were all to show us that the only thing you do in that evil world is.....DIE

I miss you Pop and I probably will for as long as I'm around....

I promise no matter what your memory will always be safe and sound

I am going to go now Pop, got to get prepared to be a dad, and a husband to my wife...

I will check in on you from time to time but right now, I have to go and live my life...

I am setting sail on rocky shores, but someday this ship will somehow steady....

And until that day comes all I can say is Damn I hope I'm ready....