Am I Angry at God??

As those of you who know me are aware, my father passed away nearly a month ago. I guess I am doing all right with the loss but I have lost sleep a few times, and I have not been as clear thinking or as productive with my work. Everyone I tell about my father mentions they will keep me in his or her prayers, or with God or something like that. Honestly, I cannot pray right now. I do not have words for God anymore. I have rejected so much Christian idealology throughout my life that it leaves me at a loss. I have not replaced the language of churches or The Bible with anything new. I am searching for words that ring true, but in the meantime, I have very few words at all to discuss the subject of God with.

My wife and grandmother (Nanny) seem upset when I say things like that. Nanny tells me that it is not a good thing not to be able to pray and I agree with that. I remember all the times when I was young and my grandmother would pray aloud with me. Nanny asks me sometimes why I cant pray. Are you mad at God? she asks me every now and again. It is often an annoying question.

Growing up in a broken home with drug and alcohol abusing parents, I have always seemed a little mad at God, at some time or another, and I know that it is okay to be mad at God. A good number of David's Psalms in The Bible are an expression of anger and confusion, and he is considered to be a Holy Man. I know it is natural to be angry with God when bad things happen, but I also know God does not plan for them to happen, so my anger is truly misplaced. I am not angry with God for taking my father away when he was so young. Hell I am not mad at him for me having to grow up the way I did. As an adult, I believe I am doing OK despite all of that. He (not that I think of God as male) did not plan any of my life or my parent's. Their individual choices are the reason for their actions and misfortunes. I am not angry that my mother had or has a drinking problem, and my fathers death was a direct result of the lifestyle he chose to live, day in and day out, and the carefree attitude he had for his health. His death was a complete shock and was devastating news. Everyday that goes by, I wish it would have never happened, but it did, and regretting that fact or remembering bad times and shit you should have and could have done but didnt, will not change anything.

I realized a few days ago, that I AM mad and not necessarily at God. I have been mad for a while. I am not sure that I can articulate the exact reason or all the reasons for my anger. Anyone who talks to me can guess that I am angry at conservative churches and stupid people. I am angry at their narrow, judgmental view of the world and the other people in it. I am angry at their failure to love their neighbors, the world. I am angry that I have a hard time with a $1200 mortgage, meanwhile they build 5 Million dollar cathedrals. However, the Bible says that the way is narrow, so they are simply following the way set out for them. Ultimately, that is where I start getting angry with more than simply the churches or hypocritical do-gooders. I am angry with the Bible for being flawed and easily misunderstood. I am angry with God for leaving me isolated in my understanding of the Bible and of him. Why are there so few people for me to agree with? Why do I have to be without a spiritual community?

I remember reading a quote by C S Lewis, or at least I believe it was C S Lewis, that said The idea is that you do not pray so that you can change Gods mind, but you pray so that He can change yours. That makes a lot more sense than asking God for things all the time. God is always moving, always creating beauty in the world. What we need to do is open our eyes to see that beauty and understand it for what it is.

When I first started rejecting Christian ideology, I thought that I would be okay, because even when I got to the point that I did not have the language to speak to God, I would be able to listen. Praying so that God can change your mind requires listening, and I am not sure if I am actually prepared to do that either, right now. The religious people reading this are probably asking, Well, what do you have in your life that is coming between you and God? From a religious standpoint, I have a good lifestyle. I am not attending church or reading my Bible, but I am also not drinking a lot, sleeping with anyone besides my wife, or doing any other obvious sin. I spend my time either working or trying to love the people in my life that I am closest to. Sin as a verb is not really interfering between God and me or me and anything else for that matter. Anger and confusion are there, but not sin.

Look, I understand you do not pray because you expect things like winning the lottery, or because things are bad, or for any other reason other than, God asked you to do it. That is the main reason. All the other reasons may be important, but THE reason, if you want one, is that we are asked to do it.

As for sin, it literally means 'missing the mark', and if you put it like that, it removes a lot of cultural and judgmental bullshit that has surrounded the word 'sin'. We are all missing the mark, everyday, so I do not think it is a question of having a sin or anything else in your life that is coming between you and God. We are always screwing up. That is ok though, because I feel like the important thing is getting up every day, and trying to do a bit better. And I know in my life that its ok if there are times where I just cant pray, I dont think theres anything wrong with that. I think God and me have an understanding. I know he is there and he knows I am here. He also knows I will get beyond that point one day and have a beautiful, meaningful, and understanding relationship with him, but for now, it is OK with both of us that I am where I am, and that is that.

I do not really worry about not being able to talk to God everyday, I mean we are talking about God, who knows all languages, your true heart, and knew you before you were born and on and on. I have the notion that many prayers are nonverbal anyway. Lets be honest you do not get a much stronger message than that of mournful tears. I believe the important thing is that you are always willing to come back and try to communicate and establish that relationship with God again.

Truth is I do not need a reason to be mad at God, I have much more than my father and mother ever did and I am half their age. I make a decent salary, I have a wife that loves me more than life itself, and I love her more than that. I am in the gym and everyday I am getting in the best shape I have ever been in my life. So the question still begs, Why am I angry?? The truthful answer is I dont know. Sure I blame it on the idiots and self righteous people of the world but in reality it isnt them either. I really dont know why Im angry sometimes then again maybe I'm not angry at all, maybe I am just simply your average, everyday Idiotic Genius.

Till words rack my brain again, Im Out!!

NG