Happy Anniversary My Dear

When your life makes it hard to believe in anything, it seems silly to believe in fate. It seems like a silly idea built on hope, and desperation. Yet, I can find no other reason why we ever met, or no other reason why we’re still together. Neither of us could have imagined we would meet someone special on some random silly website. I had even forgotten I was ever a part of that website. Even then, it probably should not have been. We were miles away, you were a city a girl, and I was a country boy. Your life was taking you in so many different emotional directions from the one before me. I was just lost in life. We were as likely to never even know the other existed as we were to end up as we are now. And yet, as ridiculous as it sounds, I knew the very moment I saw you that we would be together forever or I would end up the troublemaking redneck I always imagined I would be.

It still amazes me, the weird road we traveled in that first year and how we managed to navigate it to the point where we actually had a relationship.  We put countless miles on our cars, we ate too much restaurant food, we did ridiculous things for… well… love. If not for love–I don’t know what…Perhaps a mental illness of some sort.  I had just left a life, I thought I was doomed to live forever,  to be in world of confusion, and moved back to a place I hated.  You were just coming out of a crazy relationship and heartbreak of your own. Nothing seemed right.... Except those long Friday nights either of us spent driving up I-75/85, through the darkness in the boondocks, anticipating the moment we were together again. Those were the first times in my life I felt right, felt whole, and knew this was exactly where I wanted to be forever. Driving too fast through midtown Atlanta, Spaghetti Junction, stopping at Quik-Trip for a hotdog and a soda, and finally into the only place that made me happy. You driving to my house in the middle of nowhere, 20 miles away from anything. If I didn't believe in love before that, I was sold then. It didn't matter to us if you had to work the next day. It didn't matter if you or I had to turn around and drive back the next day.  We did whatever it took… I’d like to think we would still do it today if we had to.

Most women would have never left home and moved into a new apartment 2 months into a relationship. Most women would have left me on the spot for not pulling out a ring and getting on one knee while proposing marriage. Most sane women would have never married a guy like me only after a year together. Most women would not have put up with everything you have endured with me. From my crazy parents, to my crazy history, my brother, my father, and not forgetting my harsh brutal honesty at times. But it’s been clear for so many years that you are not only unlike other women, you’re unlike most people.

No, you’re not perfect. You lose your mind when you get hungry and nobody will pick a restaurant, you occasionally go off in ways I don’t understand, and you don’t like steak or your food touching. These things notwithstanding, I can’t imagine myself traveling this admittedly odd path with anyone else. Even in your imperfections, I find beauty. Your passion for what you do, your patience, and your endurance to just keep going day after day are hard to fully comprehend. You have taken all of those things and used them to become the mother that every child wants. Our children are so lucky.

When we had kids, I thought it could drive us to be the people we made fun of and hated. I thought it might suck the air from our passion and our spontaneous “fly by the seat of our pants” life and make us dull. Instead, parenthood has only made me love you more–so much more that I sometimes feel like some middle school weirdo with a crush.

Nine years ago, I could not comprehend nine years of marriage, it seemed like an eternity. I could not imagine being in my mid-30's, a father of two kids, and in an odd job that keeps me at home with our kids and somehow still manages to pay the bills. On this day nine years ago, I was on a golf course with my father, playing the worst game of my life, wondering if I was even cut out for marriage. Less than twenty-four hours later, I was married to you and I was the happiest man I knew. I have remained that way from that day until now.

I don’t know what will happen in the next ten years. I know life has dealt us some good hands, some playable hands, and some hands we should have folded without even looking at the cards. I don’t know what the next 9, 20, or even 30 years holds. I don’t know what trials and tribulations, joys and pains, or problems we will have to endure. I only know this:

I would not believe in love if it were not for you. I would not be the man I am, I would not have the smile I have, or the 2 boys I love more than life itself…If not for you. No matter what life brings, as long as I have you…it’s nothing…

So Happy Anniversary my dear…Today is our day and hopefully, God willing,

we will have many, many more to come. I love you!

Happy 5th Birthday Little Man

5 Years...Wow how time flies. It seems just like yesterday you were just learning to walk and wearing footie pajamas. Now you are watching baseball and football games with me and arguing about bad calls with the TV just like I do.

 Let me start by saying how proud I am of you...

I am amazed at your ability to read and write as well as you do. I am proud of the fact all your teachers have nothing but good things to say about you. I am thankful for your unapologetic insistence that we all go to church on Sunday, even when daddy would rather stay home. I am thankful for the understanding of your role as big brother and I am touched when I see that it breaks your heart when your mom or myself has to point out when you are setting a bad example.

Perhaps most of all I am proud of the little man I see you becoming. I love how you are so interested in everything...Space, cooking, animals, insects, dinosaurs, cars, and perhaps most important, Jesus. It makes me proud when you would rather watch How It's Made than any episode of Spongebob or Scooby-Doo. I am in awe at how much you know about Star Wars at such a young age, and happily sit through the saga over and over and over...

I watch you and your brother interact all the time. The enormous size of your heart always makes me smile. You are always making sure your snack has enough for your brother as well, never eating that second Pop-Tart because that one belongs to Emerson. You are always willing to sit at the table and eat so that your brother will stay and eat, even when all you really want to do is watch TV. And, on the time when you get a little rough and hurt your brother, it breaks my heart to see how bad it makes you feel, but proud of you for being hurt.

You graduate Pre-School next week...With flying colors I might add. The amazement of the things you know from your teachers always makes me smile. You start big boy school in the fall when you begin Kindergarten. I want you to always keep that sense of wonder about you. I hope you are always searching and learning, finding new things that peak your interest. I know you will do well in Kindergarten. You will love your teachers and make new friends. You will attend birthdays and maybe even sleepovers...Yeah I don't know about the sleepovers...

Today is your day. Today is all about you. Today we mark you as one year older, and one year wiser. Today you step forward in this crazy thing called life and we as parents expect a little more from you. Clean room, less crying fits, more responsibility for your things and chores. I have no doubt you will embrace this and succeed just like you do everything else.

Everyday I find myself wanting to be more like you instead of wanting you to be more like me. And for that....I am proud of you son, and I love you to the moon and back. Happy birthday!

Letter to Emerson Duane aka "E-Rock"

Emerson Duane: AKA “E-Rock”

Here we are, 2 weeks away from your birth and I am just now writing you a letter. With Keaton I admit I had written a letter earlier, but who cares really? It’s inevitable, second children get left out sometimes. Your mother can relate, she was a second child as well. And while your Uncles Chris’s baby book was probably overflowing with extra pages of notes, pictures, and hair clippings; your mother’s baby book was mysteriously lost in a house fire, or so the story goes. Now that I think of it, I am not even sure if Keaton’s baby book was ever even opened. Ah…The joys of parenthood.

I can see your mother is not enjoying being pregnant quite as much this time around. She’s way more tired this time and exhausted all the time. Just know it is not your fault and she would happily do it all over again and again. We are both already so much in love with you and I’m probably a little more excited to meet you than I was with your older brother. This is one of the advantages of being second born. Of course, there are a lot of great things that first-born children get to experience with their first time parents, but the same thing goes for the second child. While it might seem redundant, it’s not, it’s just different. Your mother and I are very curious how you will compare with your older brother. How will you be similar? How will you be different? Who will you look like? We cannot wait to see these things take shape, as you both learn from each other. I cannot wait until March 15th and we throw on some Duane Allman and let you meet the world.


You were always in the back of our mind after Keaton was born. We always knew we would have at least 2 children but we were never sure if or when we would be ready. When I say ready I am simply referring to the stress and fear that comes with babies and children. Maybe someday you will experience this, and maybe you won’t, but one thing is for certain….you cannot quite understand until you are there…living this experience. Every heartbeat, every ultrasound, every doctor appointment…I was there with your mom holding her hand and sharing in the joy. It makes the journey a somewhat different experience. Keaton was even there for your 3d/4d ultrasounds.

Speaking of Keaton, I can’t wait for you to meet your big brother. Your mom and I try to talk to him and explain it, I’m not sure he really truly understands it, but there are times when he climbs up your mom’s lap, to give you a good night hug and kiss. He seems excited to be a big brother, and I think you both will be very close, as you should be. Family is the most important thing in this world. Your family is what comes first…Always. Never forget that son.

It’s been almost three years hanging out with your brother but when I think about the years coming up with both of you, I am totally in awe. I cannot wait to experience you as siblings, laughing, loving, fighting, plotting….I know it’s going to be hard at times but I think it’s going to be a lot of fun too. More than anything though, I want you to feel safe and loved. I want you to know that you and your brother’s happiness and well being trump mine and your mother’s. We have and will continue to make sacrifices so that you don’t have to. I’ll write you another letter after you are born. Just know that you are immensely loved by all. We have 2 short weeks to go. Your mother and I can’t wait to meet you. We all can’t wait to meet you.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, and Keaton



Posted via email from Nick's Random Musings

Valentine's Day Sucks Balls...

It’s official. Valentine’s Day has now passed New Year’s Eve as my least favorite holiday. Yup, I hate it more than Arbor Day, Bastille Day, Grandparents Day, Ash Wednesday-- whatever you got.

 I don’t really recall but years ago, around fourth and fifth grade, I imagine I loved Valentine’s Day. Why not? I was the chubby but good-looking kid who always received the most valentines from my female classmates. One year the teacher, for whatever reason, conducted his own private poll (he’d be arrested for this today, no doubt) and every girl in the class whispered in his ear that she had a crush on yours truly. And who could blame them? However, today, after being marrried, fat and happy, if a woman under the age of seventy smiles at me at the mall I practically skip all the way back to my house.  Sigh..... I’ll be right back…I'm going to go drown myself...

 OK, enough with the self-pity.... I think I might have enjoyed the holiday back before the spoilsport Christians wrapped their self-righteous fingers around it. In Ancient Rome February 14th was celebrated as a day to honor the god Juno. And the next day was the Feast of Lupercalia, when all the young women in town each got to draw the name of a young man to whom they would be “paired” for the duration of the festival, and it wasn’t for volleyball if you know what I mean.....For the slow....It was so they could get bucknasty and get their freak on, and that is what I call a holiday worth taking a personal day for!

 I’ve been uncomfortable for a while about our modern bogus celebration of love, but it really hit home last year at work as I watched woman after woman receive the flowers or candy or stuffed animals that were being delivered to the office in a constant stream throughout the day. You could tell the bell had rung, the gates were open and the race was on! And woe to the sorry-ass husband who didn’t at least finish in the Show position in this race, the ultimate competition to see who is truly “the most beloved.” Ugh...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...

 The thing is the idea of Valentine’s Day is all right in its own way (though I’d still rather draw names and get some strange) but it’s become such a commercialized scam. I couldn’t go on living if I didn’t believe in my heart that there is a special super-white-hot circle of Hell (just above the one reserved for the Bin Laden family) waiting for those flower sellers who double or triple the price on a wilting bunch of flowers because they know that we, the husbands and boyfriends, and God help your wallet if you happen to be both, don’t have a choice.

 We do, of course, have a choice, but even I, the most stubborn asshole you’re ever likely to meet, seem powerless to fight this annoying holiday. Last year I caved at the last minute and found myself in a line at Kroger hurriedly forking over twenty clams for one of their few remaining limp and fading mittfuls of short stemmed roses. And hating myself for doing it. Ah, well in the end we will do whatever it takes to make our loved ones smile just a bit...

 Christian legend has it that St. Valentine, the clown credited with starting this hokum, was a priest who was imprisoned for performing outlawed marriage ceremonies around 270 AD. He would leave notes for that hot piece of ass, the jailer’s daughter, and sign them, “from Your Valentine.”  Then he was executed. Sucks for him...I hope he at least got a handjob in the corner or something before his execution...Otherwise the whole thing would seem kind of pointless wouldn't it?

 

Posted via email from Nick's Random Musings

Creep Says BLOWJOB on MSNBC

Thanks to my man Opie from The Opie and Anthony show for sharing this....Hilarious!!

Posted via email from Nick's Random Musings

Keaton Rocking to Kings of Leon

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Always Puts a Smile on My Face....

via metacafe.com

Posted via web from Nick's Random Musings

A Great Philosophy on Life....

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of  coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and start to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and  poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous  'yes.' 

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed. 

'Now,' said the  professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. 

The golf balls are the important things -  Family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. 

The sand is everything else -- 
The small stuff. 

'If you put the sand into the jar  first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf  balls. The same goes for life. 

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So... 

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. 

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first -- The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. 

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'. 

It just goes to show you that  no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Posted via web from Nicholas's posterous

Embrace Diversity??

I went to the web site of some big bank that proudly states "WE EMBRACE DIVERSITY." Following the big obnoxious banner at the top of the page is a statement saying "[we] believe that we must engage a proactive, 'inclusive' process to source people of color and women, as well as Anglo men." People of color? What the hell is people of color, supposed to mean and why are they being singled out?

This whole notion of "embracing diversity" is inherently bullshit because it's based on the following assumption: people who look different must think different because of it; otherwise, why the hell embrace anything? Why not just assume that diversity comes from within, regardless of their skin color, sex, age or religion? If people who look different don't necessarily think differently, which they don't, then aren't they essentially discriminating against them by "embracing" them as being "diverse"?

Just the sound of the phrase makes me mad.. "embrace diversity"... SCREW YOU. I'm tired of the bullshit phrases. "You win some, you lose some." No shit? "Never drive faster than your angels can fly." Shitty metaphor on a shitty bumper sticker on a shitty car. It doesn't mean ANYTHING. "I don't drive fast, I just fly low." GO TO HELL. "Save a tree, send an email." How about you save five seconds of my life and leave off the shitty quote from the bottom of your email so the internet isn't congested with your bullshit signature file instead? I've decided that from now on, every time I see the phrase "save a tree, send an email," I'm going to promptly crumple up a clean sheet of paper and throw it away, just out of spite.

Posted via web from Verbal Diarrhea

Tiger Woods Sets The Record Straight...

I am Tiger Woods from TWoods

Posted via web from Verbal Diarrhea

Taylor Swift Turns 20...

Now normally you would never find stupid news like this here...But I just want to share this tidbit. Because it finally means I can share with others my desire to bang this chick's brains out. I want to do things that are only legal in like 3 countries with her, let her werewolf queer boyfriend films the whole thing and then post it to youtube for the world to see, and no one can label me a sex offender now.

I mean look at this chick...She's like the innocent girl next door.  She has no idea I'm a sick perverted weirdo who wants to masturbate with IcyHot into her hairbrush...I'm just kidding guys, come on who would masturbate with IcyHot?? Seriously though what guy in his right mind would not want to be the guy to teach her what Tiger Woods wife finally learned...That guys deep down are all pieces of shit, and we only want one thing from as many women. or men whichever the case may be, from as many people as we can get to give it to us.  Some of us will eventually grow up and get married and choose to no longer partake in this practice.  But that doesn't mean we never think about it...Still  some of us grow up and get married, and continue to poke anything that blinks their eye, i.e. Tiger Woods.  Anyway, I'm rambling; the point is now that she's 20 I can make sexual references about Taylor and not have anyone call Chris Hansen to have me meet him in a kitchen with beer, condoms, and a transcript.

So happy birthday Taylor...Get drunk, get naked, make some bad decisions, let people video tape it, and let us enjoy it.  The Photoshopped nude fakes just don't do it for me anymore...I know your not really a 40DD, and only J-Lo and Kim Kardashian have an ass like that...

Posted via email from Verbal Diarrhea

Things I Have Said At Least Once This Week

• Do NOT put that in your mouth.
• Don’t stand on the table.
• Stop yelling.
• See how daddy's pee-pee goes in the toilet.
• That’s not nice.
• No matter how long you cry, you’ll still have to take a nap.
• You don't want a cracker?? But that’s what you just asked me for.
• Do you have poop pants?
• STOP.SAYING.NO.
• Why did you put that in there?
• Hahaha. Ok, really, don’t honk Mommy’s boobies. Hahahahahaha.
• Seriously, you really did just ask me for this exact thing, why are screaming no when I try to give you what you wanted?
• That is NOT edible.
• I have no idea what you’re talking about. Repeating doesn’t help.
• If you stand on that again I'm taking it away from you.
• No, we are not going in the car. We just got out of it.
• No, Daddy doesn’t doesn't like it when you stick your fingers in his ears
• Why are you being so loud?
• Get your fingers out of your mouth.
• Why did you spit that out?
• Do you want a knuckle sandwich??
• No, No only daddy flushes the toilet.
• Yes, you have to clean the food off of your hands...no saving it for later.
• Please do not lick your hands...God only knows where they have been.
• No, son that's not a toy, that is a tampon. Give it back to Mommy, please.
• Do not try to drink your entire cup of milk in one loooong sip please...
• Don’t hit people in the head!
• What is that smell? Is that you??
• I have no idea what you’re trying to say. I’m as frustrated as you are, REALLY.
• Yes buddy that is Kroger....(The 5th one we've passed now)
• Son believe it or not....Some people don’t like it when you yell at them.
• Say you’re sorry. You need to say, “Sorry for throwing my car at you, Mommy.”
• Cry all you want I'm still not going to let you eat your crayons.
• You are not supposed to ride on that.
• It’s really not nice to smear your cereal bar and crackers on the mirror.
• That ball will not come out from under the sofa no matter how loudly you scream at it.
• I refuse to speak to you until you stop crying and screaming.
• HEY!! SIT IN YOUR BIG BOY CHAIR NOW!! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT...(Followed by a list of everything he's done wrong all day)
• NO SIR!! SIT BACK DOWN!! (As he smiles and runs away)
• I think you I've said NO for the 239,785,349,823rd time. Please Stop it or I will spank you.
• How many times did daddy say stop it, before he spanked you.
• I know you like it when I pass the ther cars buddy but daddy can't pass every car on the interstate.
• Stop smacking mommy, She's trying to sleep.
• No this is daddy's you have your food. (Cue excessive dramatic hyperventalating crying and a couple tears forced out)

Posted via web from Nicholas's posterous

All This Kid Wanted to Do Was Sit Down...

via stltoday.com

Let me just say this sickens me to watch people cheer a kid get mobbed and beat down...If I had a son and I saw him on the bus and he did not help this kid, I would probably beat his ass at home. Where was the bus driver? Why didn't anyone stop it? Where is Reverend Al and the ACLU? These double standards in America are killing me!

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DJ AM is Dead....Who Gives a Shit??

People need to trade MTV in for a book or two.

Here's a list of recommendations.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

1984 by George Orwell

The Republic by Plato

Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith

For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac

The Iliad and Odyssey of Homer

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

Walden by Henry David Thoreau

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

Ulysses by James Joyce

The Young Man’s Guide by William Alcott

Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse

The Art of Warfare by Sun Tzu

Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri

The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

The Politics by Aristotle

First Edition of the The Boy Scout Handbook

Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller

The Naked and The Dead by Norman Mailer

Hatchet by Gary Paulsen

Animal Farm by George Orwell

Beyond Good and Evil by Freidrich Nietzsche

The Federalist Papers by Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and James Madison

Moby Dick by Herman Melville

Essential Manners for Men by Peter Post

Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly

Hamlet by Shakespeare

A Separate Peace by John Knowles

A Farewell To Arms by Ernest Hemingway

The Stranger by Albert Camus

The Pearl by John Steinbeck

On the Road by Jack Kerouac

Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

Foucault’s Pendulum – Umberto Eco

Fear and Trembling by Soren Kierkegaard

Paradise Lost by John Milton

Cannery Row by John Steinbeck

American Boys’ Handy Book

King Solomon’s Mines by H. Rider Haggard

The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Island of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells

Malcolm X: The Autobiography

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

All Quiet on The Western Front by Erich Maria Remarq

The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane

Lives of the Noble Greeks and Romans by Plutarch

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

The Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn and Hal Iggulden

The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

The Histories by Herodotus

From Here to Eternity by James Jones

The Frontier in American History by Frederick Jackson Turner

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig

Self Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posted via web from Nicholas's posterous

Economics...

 

It is the month of August, in a small Georgia country town. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.

It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only place to stay, a small bed and breakfast, lays a $100 bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the $100 bill and runs to pay his debt to the town butcher.

The Butcher takes the $100 bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig grower takes the $100 bill, and runs to pay his debt to the feed and seed.

The owner of the feed and seed takes the $100 bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt to the hotel proprietor, for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there, with the $100 bill.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes downstairs.

After inspecting the rooms, he says that he did not like any of them, takes his $100 bill and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly how the United States Government is doing business today.

 

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Roid' Rage!!!

Whenever steroids are mentioned, the only thing people talk about is how they ruin your body….. and make a bad example for kids to follow…..

(Cue Nagging Bitch Voice)

”Eat your vegetables…..work hard….You don’t need them they’ll only hurt you in the long run….I’m only saying this for your own good…”

What about this?... “Hey you bespectacled Harry Potter looking douche…shoot this in your ass for a couple of years and you’ll wind up in the Hall of Fame”….

I encourage steroid use....I Like to see home runs...What the fuck do I care if you sneeze in 20 years and pudding sloshes around your head??...Want that big baseball contract??....Shut your fucking face..... shoot enough juice to paralyze a horse…hit home runs and fuck alot of girls…Then… When you’re in your 40’s…You can worry about your dried up minuscule testicles…and it won’t matter if your sterile cause by that time you’ll fucking hate kids anyway….

And as far as them shrinking your nuts….Who cares?? What do big balls do for you anyway?? I mean for one there’s a greater chance of getting hit in them…two….you also increase the odds of sitting on them…and three…you don’t want them dripping in the water like a teabag when you’re dropping a deuce…

So make my balls as tiny as you can I say....I don’t care….I bet no balls would help my swimming…My dick would be acting like a rudder…none of that ball drag weighing me down…Hey dolphins got no balls and they swim fast as shit…Seems like a win-win to me....

So stop douching and start juicing..... you pussy....

A Letter to Keaton Francis Gossett

Keaton or K.P. as I will undoubtedly call you,

Ever since your mom and I found out that you are going to come into our life, I cannot help but wonder what kind of a father I will be. Will I be the strict disciplinarian or will I opt for the cool dad persona? I've always been the cool guy in the room, the always joking guy and I am sure that will never change. I wanted to create a rule that says "If it's funny you're not in trouble." Your momma of course said "NO!"

I also wonder will I have enough to teach you? I have always deemed myself a smart man. I did some crazy things growing up with your late grandpa that I will tell you about when you are older. I want you to get 2 educations like I did; both street smarts and book smarts. I want you to never underestimate the good and bad in people, or in yourself either. I want you to read every book you can get your hands on. Reading can take you around the world and sail you to far off places without you ever leaving your chair. I hope you never strive for perfection because it does not exist, you can only do your best and give 110%, and that is all your mother and I will ever ask of you. Always remember that perfection is not attained at the point at which nothing can be added, but at the point at which nothing can be taken away. That will make more sense when you are older I promise. Will I live up to your expectations? I hope so, hell I hope I live up to my own expectations. I have no doubt there will be trying times for us both, but love for each other and the strength of this family can conquer many things. You keep family first and foremost always, nothing ever comes between us.

I guess I just wonder if I will be a good father. There are so many questions in my head. Sometimes I wonder if it is even normal to ask these questions. Do all fathers to be think about this stuff? I suspect the answer is yes, but somehow I cannot help but feel special asking all these questions as if they are being asked for the first time. This is what God must have felt before creating Adam and Eve. Which brings me to religion. Your mother is so much more religious and full of faith than your father will ever be. I will never question the existence of God and neither shall you. The path you choose to find him is up to you. Your mother and I can only point you in the right direction.

I do not expect to be the perfect father, like I said perfection is an illusion that does not exist. I have always said that “every parent gets an opportunity to mess up their kids in their own particular way”, this is certainly not out of any ill will, but no parent has ever been perfect, and I do not have some wild belief that I will miraculously be the first. Mistakes will always be made. Things unmeant will always be said, and hearts will somehow be broken. That is life son. You just have to dust off your blue jeans and hop back up on that bucking bronco and ride him out into the sunset, and never doubt that your mother and father love you more than anything in this world. We will always be here to protect you and help you however we can.

Keaton, the hopes and dreams your mother and I have for you are much bigger than we could ever imagine, but for you they will certainly seem to be just dumb or trivial ideas. You my son, will undoubtedly be more educated, more articulate, more traveled, more intellectual and ultimately a better man than I have ever been. I myself have accomplished far less in life but for you I wish the world and all you seek to find within it. I hope you follow your dreams, travel the world abroad and ultimately contribute all you can to society and help make this wonderful world a better place. I hope to teach you all I know, and encourage you to learn all I never did.

Your opinion of me will surely change as you grow up and go through your life ; from child to boy to ultimately a man and father. I imagine that you will love me as a child just as all children love their parents, but when you become a teenager you will surely rebel just as I did and call me un-cool and old fashioned. I am not worried or afraid of this period in your life, like many other phases this too will pass with time. However, do not ever think you are too big for daddy to spank that behind. Some of your greatest lessons will be learned from discipline. However, you will never here the line "This hurts me more than it hurts you..". That has yet to be proven even though your late grandpa told me that with every spanking I got from him.

I sometimes wonder what you will think of me as you have children of your own; Long after I die and I am no longer in your life. Will you remember me for times when you loved me or for times when you thought I was an ignorant old man from the backwoods Georgia country, just as I did my father? Will you consider me a good father or a bad one? Like every child does at some point, you will look back at your own life and see all the things I did wrong; and just like all the children that came before you did; you will surely vow not to make the same mistakes with your own children. On that particular day when you are ready to render a verdict on the fate of my memory, I can only hope you still possess this letter.

I love you more than you shall ever know,

Your Father

It's The Final Countdown.!.!.!

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me.....

When people hear the word stalker they only think of the suspicious man jerking-off in his car while he stares through your window, or the guy that's always sitting a little too close to the kids on the bench by the elementary school playground. I always say what about the huge ego boost he's going to be giving to some lucky lady?? Let's face it, women are always complaining about how fat they are and how hard it is to get a man to pay attention to them. You never acknowledge that some persistent guy, who has to get up for work in the morning no less, is spending valuable hours of his life salivating at the chance to cut off a lock of your hair, or possibly sniff your filthy, dirty undies.....

Give that stalker a chance and he'll treat you right. He obviously admires you and instead of slapping him with a restraining order, say "Hi!" and let him do your bidding....Need a ride to the airport?? He's your man! Need those rain gutters cleaned out?? He's your man!! Need the guy you're currently dating stabbed to death?? He's your man!!

All I'm saying is you can bet your ass if I had a stalker that creepy bitch would be washing my truck once or twice a week and taking care of my dirty laundry......See that's the problem with women they only want a man that's stable, or a productive member of society.....who isn't going to flip out or try to fuck their sister....or masturbate into their hairbrush.....I mean at least when you're being stalked you know someone is watching over you..The added bonus is if you happened to get attacked or raped you can rest easy knowing your stalker is right around the corner to come and break it up....

So ladies don't be so quick to turn that creepy guy away, stalkers are people too....

Who's Your Daddy?

Well it's official my wife is pregnant. As of today she is 5 weeks and 2 days along, I guess is the correct terminology. After a year of "trying", some decent sized medical bills from testing, and alot of praying it finally happened. I say "trying" simply because the very first time we went the hole nine using an ovulation predictor kit, which nailed down the perfect time to get busy, we got pregnant. It makes all the money spent for medical bills, because we all know Insurance companies do not cover anything that is or could be related to infertility, seem like a waste. However, I also feel like we both needed to go through that to truly appreciate the bundle of joy we now have.

I never thought I could worry about something so much before in my life. Ever since the positive pregnancy test it's been sleepless nights, phone calls every morning making sure she's ok, asking if she's craving something particular I could get her, just on and on. It's not worrying about being a father, no-no that part is fine. I have waited to be a father for quite awhile. It's the worry of your baby's health and well being. The worry of making it past the first trimester, or at least to the first ultrasound that you can hear the heart-beat. You know then that odds are on your side that everything else is going to be alright. It's the worry of something which you have absolutely no control. I equate to being on a plane that is a downward spiral you know your going to crash and die and there's nothing you can do, now multiply that by 50. Ok, maybe not that bad but I do worry about it.

Everyone ask me "Are you excited?" As if I would say "No not really...." Sometimes I just want to stare at them with a blank look until they realize that the question was stupid at best. Not that I want to be an ass or anything but after the 50th person asks you the same stupid question it's annoying. The other good one I get is; "What are you going to name it?" This one is stupid for 2 reasons. One my wife is only 5 weeks pregnant, which means we have only known a few days. Do you really thing the first thing we thought was "Oh honey we'll name him Theodore, or We'll name her Abigail"? Our first thought was "I'll meet you at the doctor's office Monday morning." Secondly, as referenced above, we have no clue of the sex. Sure we could settle on a name for a boy and a name for a girl, but lets face it, it's hard enough to come up with one name for one sex let alone two. So no we don't have names picked out.

So now comes the doctor's visits, the baby shower, the birthing classes and all that good stuff. We will have to register for gifts for a baby shower later on. I always hate that whole process. The whole tradition of picking out shit for other people to buy you. Most people would be ok with spending other people's money, but not me. I guess I just imagine the people going down the list trying to find the cheapest gift only to find that the cheapest one left is like $150. "Shit honey I told you we shouldn't have waited, we could have got them the Sailboat lamp but no now the only thing left is this $150 Diaper Genie!" Which usually means they go out on their own and get something you didn't ask for anyway. Which ultimately means you could have skipped the whole picking out shit you wanted step to begin with. They play the I know you didn't ask for it game......"Now I didn't see this on your list but I saw it and knew you just had to have it.....So I hope you like it!" Those words are almost a guarantee it was some piece of shit that was in the bargain bin at Baby Depot or a K-Mart that was closing the doors because of drive by's in the area.

The first ultra-sound is in 2 weeks. We get to hear the heart-beat and determine if we have twins. Good thing the room is dark I know I'll probably cry. It's my first child so you all can kiss my ass. Nothing wrong with crying for a good reason. I try to be all male chauvinistic but deep down I'm a pussy when it comes to that type of stuff. It's weird shit too like I didn't cry that much when my father passed but I cried like a baby watching "The Green Mile". I cried at my wedding too. Whatever I'm a pussy deal with it.

So I guess I'll have plenty to write about in the coming months. It's about damn time...shit you people have no idea how hard it is to try to write something; even as little as once a week. I could always do the easy thing and bash Britney, or the Falcons, or make fun of Kanye West and 50 Cent, but that takes no thought or creativity. Anyone could bash those no-talent ass clowns. So congratulations to me and my wife I hope you all stay tuned for the craziness that ensues as I go through the stages of pregnancy with her. It should be fun, check you guys later....I'm Out!

NG